The Struggle

It must have been destiny that brought me to AUF. Well, not that I hate my school or anything close, never at all actually, but sometimes, perhaps I have absorbed "the struggle" too. I mean, let us not beat around the bush anymore, I have been struggling with this junk around my middle section. I guess it must be occupied by recent, and repeated, alcohol floods and junks like sodas and even as simple as those you buy from the nearby sari-sari stores and fast-food chains. Well, complex things start from simple ones. Honestly, I though I've gone so far in terms of getting back into the proper shape for a young man. At least for what I know must be proper at my age. But I need to do more  to get the lean figure I've always wanted, and needed.

Sometimes I get excited to work out at a gym near school. But most of the time, since I usually have so much things to do in school, I intentionally miss gym hours just to rest. I actually love the feeling of working out. Just the mere sweating makes me feel lighter and quite happier. Seldom I go out of the gym not satisfied. These are the times when my workout is "scattered."

Really, it is a continuous struggle for me, especially, though I regularly, or sometimes not, workout, that I eat too much. I have less sleep almost everyday. No doubt if I will not be able to lose this gut. I remember once my News Writing professor told me that since I knew the problems already in news gathering and reporting, find out how to address these so I'll get better results. Same thing applies here, I 100% think so.

I have been ditching my diet for ages though I have always reminded myself about it time and time again. Probably I am not disciplined enough to follow my self-imposed restrictions since I cannot punish myself and the law has no sanctions addressed to my disobedience and stubbornness. I cannot even "walk the talk." Because I usually give health tips regarding weight management but I cannot even manage my own weight. How phony can that be. But hey, I do not need to be harsh on myself. I just wanted to share what I know might help others. Well, what can I say, it really is, a struggle.

Currently, the reason why I return to the gym every now and then is because of the feeling it gives me after the workout. The goal of achieving "THE BODY" almost everyone in this generation of the young wants comes secondary in my list. I am not satisfied with my body yet but I know now, I've just shifted priorities, that enjoying the workout is more important and worth-remembering than the destination, if I ever get there in the future. If worst comes to worst that I will not able to have what I worked out for, which is to have a lean body, at least I felt happy and light along the process. Give me this consolation please.

Well, yet gain, what can I say, it really is, and must be at all, a struggle.

Expunging the Unsent

Since I absolutely had nothing to do, I decided to clear my phone from clutter. I was happily surprised that there's not that much to erase but the drafts. I opened the folder and saw 14 unsent messages. I usually type whatever that is inside my mind on my Samsung Star then save it as a draft. I already have deleted a few of them and here's what's left. I ought to write them before they stay out of my phone forever..

DRAFT 1: the frustrated FB status

"The same feelings are felt time and time again. But these were not, are not, and will not be directed nor shared to a single person only. That I am sure of."

"What you said might be the plain truth. But I loved her since ages. The feeling I had then is the feeling I now have and will always have. The only difference, that I can confess, is that what I felt before just got stronger as each day passes."

DRAFT 2: the inspirational message

"Nobody can make you feel inferior without your consent." -- Eleanor Roosevelt (1884-1962)

DRAFT 3: a paraphrased pick-up line from movie The Proposal

"Nothing defines me except my family."

DRAFT 4: my younger brother's greatest dilemma so far as a student

"Documents needed

1.card

2.gmrc

3.brgy clearance

4.bc with lcr no.

5.cert of enrolment"

DRAFT 5: for my HS mates

"sarap ng may kybgan. Dis thought has always been insyd my crappy mind. and it will never be erased nor removed in my system.

korny man, hugs and kisses to you all my chums and pals.

naremind lang aku ng PBB. you'l never know when wil gudbyes come our way.

haha. kadrama. anyway, kalagu ng fritzie. :) gudnyt dudes."

DRAFT 6: an errand for dad, which I never have done

"Nano agency.lathe operator

mabini st. Salas"

DRAFT 7: the OC

"We feel discomfort whenever we see sumthing of interest left undone and disorganized. and it is a must to relieve ourselves from dis distress. or else we'll feel restless 4 quite sum tym.

ganian kming mga OC. its all mental, but the thing really bugs us and we nid to act immediately."

DRAFT 8: courses to take internationally through a UK-based isko-giving org

"system dynamics, language and comm technologies, research on info and comm technologies"

DRAFT 9: a YC song

"kaya wag kang magtatanong, di ko alam ang sasabihin. wag kang magtatanong, ayokong mayrong aminin.

-- yeng"

DRAFT 10: Yanes wrote this for bitterness and martyrdom

"Proximity makes 2 person fall for each other. The closer they are, the faster too is falling in love. But I doubt if it's real love." -- Tibert Rogud

"Doubt nothing but your fickle mind. Love isn't measured by how much you've known the person but how long you want him to be with you, at least 4 me, forever and always 4 my dear." -- Tamyrr Mod

"Does it mean you're loving someone you don't know well of? You're pretty easy." -- Tibert Rogud

"Does it matter? I don't know a lot of things about the Lord and his heavens but I love Him deeply. Isn't that the same with man?" -- Tamyrr Mod

"Unless your man and your God are one and the same." -- Tibert Rogud said then he walks out

THE Unwritten and Forbidden

by Yanes Lasla"

Doom of the Gods

I've always been open to my friends about how I wish the world we live in is like that of the Ragnarok world. But it seems they would not care at all. Probably because most of them haven't played the famous MMORPG. In Ragnarok, elementary level is short-spanned. Might as well skip classes if you want. After getting desired level, you can leave the novice center and experience the world behind those sturdy walls. But I prefer staying at the center, especially, I don't have anyone to help me level-up or known as a tanker.

THE TANKER

A tanker can be anyone. Going back to reality, it only means that anyone can help. ANYONE. Even an assassin or a gunslinger can help. In this virtual world I came to spend some quality time. I've invested so much in the game that it breaks my heart to desert it at one point. But I'm dealing with the feeling quite well so don't you worry my friend.

THE VIRTUAL WORLD

The only resemblance of the real world and this one is that both worlds are gravely dangerous. Hell yeah. I've died so many times. I advice you to befriend a priest that can resurrect you in these times, because I bet there would be plenty of them, and always be ready with a blue gemstone. Really handy in this desperation. Priests love blue gemstones. They just cannot get away with it.

There are hundreds of aggressive monsters in Ragnarok that run after and physically harm you to death. But if you, fortunately, succeeded to either escape or kill the monster, better for you. That means that you're strong enough to face the "monsters" of the world. It also means, you continue to be strong. In real life, once you hurt yourself, you falter and it takes some time before you can achieve full recovery. As I've suggested earlier, have a priest on your party. One or two stretches of his arms, you're healed like nothing, absolutely none, had happened. OR another option is to take with you in your journey potions. I recommend the white ones: help you recover fast. Bring some blue pots if your job uses skills of magic, recovery and have high dexterity like magicians and acolytes.

HIGH SCHOOL On-the-job Training

If you're an out-of-school youth in the real world, well you're a total opposite in the world of Ragnarok. You hold your classes outside the four corners of the room and sometimes, you're on your own if you wish to. There are no teachers. Experience is your teacher. You prepare yourself in an early stage of your existence. Nothing beats those people who are prepared and know how to anticipate.

People have jobs during this period of experiencing the outside world. Some choose to be literally good: acolytes, or the church interns, mages, merchants, swordsmen, archers and others. Meanwhile, some also choose to be bad: there are thieves. Imagine, if you knew this early what would you be in the future, all you have to do is to take that relatively long quest of perfecting your art or chosen field. Because in Ragnarok, one cannot shift tracks. An acolyte is expected to be a priest. An archer is expected to be a hunter. Thieves become assassins or rogues. Choosing a job in Ragnarok is crucial. It must be well-thought of and once made, it is irrevocable: it cannot be turned back unless one wishes to start from scratch again--be a novice, choose another field and continue on. Easy as it may sound, but it is not. But people who persevere in life succeed so have the heart regardless how far the destination may be. The quest is more important and the experience that taught you so much about life that books cannot teach you.

THE WISH

I really hoped someday the world would be like Ragnarok. I wish to become a priest if that would happen. And mind you, celibacy is not invented in Ragnarok so a priest can marry and have children. Well, adopted kids: and nothing's wrong about that, maybe, at least for foster parents. But as a song goes, I must be careful of what I wish for. I just might get it all, even the ones I thought I needed but really do not. SCARRRRY..

Anyway, I have so much to tell about Ragnarok. I always get excited whenever this "idea" pops into a conversation. I get hyped up. :)) But for now, I'm leave some things untold for you to find them out. I hope you go ahead and try.. and I will spill no more because it is LUNCH TIME. GTG :))

Not Necessarily

Good leaders are good followers.

So cliche! But perhaps, that's just the way it has been, and will ever be. But what if, in this serious case like that of Benjamin Button's, I literally do not know how to follow. Does it only mean that I do not know how to become a good leader as well.

Well, probably, if likewise, "literally incapacitated" to lead. If you are on the same page as I am.

Now be ready to flip.

The reason why I magically waved this thought out of thin air, not only because I am a frustrated wizard, it's because, most often than not, our slight mistakes work against us, though they're not that big of a deal. Sometimes other people even make us feel that what we have just committed was a serious crime, very unacceptable; that we need sentencing that very moment.

I do not have any serious ailment, physical struggle or psychological damage, or at least I know I have none, to restrain me from doing anything I prefer. Though sometimes, when our minds have decided to accomplish a particular task, it still feels that something is stopping us from doing it. Right timing will how frustration calls it. This is the best time it can creep into our minds and ruin our whole system.

***

It frustrates me more when a relatively "small" issue passes me by. "Tipong, maliit na nga lang, hindi na nga mahirap gawin, pinalampas mu pa." I know you know that eerie feeling very well. Thinking we could have done something else or we could have done more. I hate the feeling of falling short. My bodily system declares I'm such a failure. I am not commendable in the field of regrets handling and anger management. Every human person I meet starts to look as round objects called stress balls. I am epic in this league of mood swings and turns. I bomb my self-built maze. I flunk my Be-positive exam. I caress the awry and settle for gloom. But that's for a day or two. I usually get by with it so fast that I even sometimes feel nothing bad happened.

***

Feeling ko wala na naman akong sense. I am so non-sensical. Haha :)) Basta bottomline, "hindi porke Koreano ka magaling ka magtaekwondo." -- PNE Let us free ourselves from the "bird cage" the general has admitted us into. Hindi porke ganito ka ngayon, wala ka ng pag-asang maging GANUN. We have long been boxed as notorious and purposeless men just because of the negative impressions of others on us. Generally, people think this way. But a person's totality cannot be judged by a single mistake, whether big or small. I am pretty sure that person must have his reasons.

I Need Help

I've realized that among all the blogs I've visited in the past and up until now, mine is the most boring site of them all. I'm not kidding.. My cousin was beside me when I was browsing some of these blogs, which were developed and maintained by some of my friends in school and former schoolmates. According to my ever saccharine cousin, my blog is just so grotesque. There are no pictures, no video posts, no playlists. But in fairness to her, I surrendered because she was so right on the dot.

I've look into the other applications on how to "beautify" or "enliven" my blog. I found out how to insert images, which I think, its button has long been staring at me the moment I wrote my earlier entries, how stupid of me to know it just now. Perhaps my friends are right in saying that I am an "insensate" person. See, I didn't even feel its cold stare.. LOL "Siguro kung my kamay lang siya, binatukan na niya ako." Gusto ko pa sanang idescribe how fancy the other blogs were, and para mapahiya din ako for being so often boring and effortless. Pero tinatamad na ako, especially that I have three more news to edit. T.T

One more thing, "I dont even know how to follow, literally.. pakituruan nga akong magfollow ng mga bloggers. hehe! I saw a follow-button but I was hesitant to press it. you know, prevention is better than cure. justification lamang. pagbigyan.. :))" Thanks in advance dudes.

Reality Bites 100

"Nakakawalang ganang makipagusap sa taong kinakausap ka dahil kailangan. Tipong, for the sake lang.. Gustuhin mo man umayos, e kung siya wala rin, hayaan mu nalang. Lilipas din.. ang pagkakaibigan."

Back on Track

I thought of passing this night but I realized, once I deliberately or intentionally started to miss one blogging night, it may mean 2012: the dreadful end. I think I already missed a day or two and I don't want to have a bad start, knowing that I'm a self-confessed procrastinator. I don't wanna fail just yet. So far I've been enjoying my hours just writing for myself and, if there are, for my readers as well..

Anyway, I've been texting  few of my friends about our grade in one of our classes. Honestly, I personally, I don't want to generalize, expected to get a grade higher than what we have on schoolbliz. I really thought we submitted something more than what is expected of our final requirement. But, as how my friend puts it, we really don't have to waste our time crying over spilled milk. Probably his ideology is very applicable for us given this scenario. I will second his emotion: what's proper for us now is to act. There's nothing wrong to ask how things turned out to be. It pays to ask. But always bear in mind to still be respectful towards the elderly and always be professional.

Anne Margaret Maño, or B, or anak, as I usually call her, had a big problem, same as mine, regarding some of her grades. I told her to just blog, same too as what I'm doing at the moment, but she replied through text, "haha..d qo feel mgblog. next time namu :p" Not only did I realize that she might be very busy with something else, but also, she spoke, or texted, in Kapampangan, that is so unlikely of her. Well, that isn't an issue for anyone to ponder but I just found it rather peculiar of her to speak in the dialect. Peace B! :)) Also, since she didn't succumb to what I recommended her to do, which was to blog, she ate the feeling out. Yeah right. Kumain nalang siya since hindi pa daw siya nagdinner. Then I told her, "Yup. Kumain ka na lang."

I know for a fact, which is also according to my Psychology professor, (my angal?) people have this instinct of befriending food in times of depression, or any feeling close to it. My professor said, this particular reaction can be rooted from our childhood. When we were young, in situations that we feel sad or alone, our parents often gave us food to make us feel better. Parang may something sa food that makes us react positively. Science has it that there are quite a number of food with serotonin, if I'm not mistaken, which are mood-boosters, such us banana and chocolates. Pero kasi minsan, we don't need to know if such substance is present there. Bigla nalang umaayos pakiramdam mo after you ate it, kahit hindi yan saging o tsokolate. Before, back in HS, I usually bring a pack of cream-O with me, and I eat it with a specially concocted melon juice that can be bought in the APS-JDN canteen of HAU. I usually go there and consume all those before my Analytical Geometry class. Pamatay talaga ang math. I usually go there with my buddy, Crisel Blenda Bautista: my bal, which was HAU's Fictionist of the Year two years ago. Lawen mu na bal, I'm so proud of you. :)) Haha

***

I remembered a funny experience with Crisel, though every single day-out with her was funny. We were eating sylvañas and the other black one (I forgot what's it called), because we like to eat, and that's what consumes our whole day when we're together, including Dette Cabrera and Joshua Tan, whooh 2d4th rocks! Crisel was like, "dapat ang bawat kagat ay puno ng pagmamahal." I really didn't get her point that time then I said, "Bakit pa? E puto lang naman yan!!" The moment she heard that, she laughed so hard, really really hard. Since she was laughing, I also laughed. I don't want her to look mad in the middle of the mall. Haha But to begin with, I never thought, that the line I said, and how I said it would be that funny.. Funny ku pala. :)) Oh well, I miss the times with trisomy21, oona, and porch.

***

Why back on track? Not only was I able to blog again, but also, I was able to be back on track on my frustrated musical career. I was able to tune my guitar Bard, which has been unused for months now, thanks to the software I downloaded which is called PitchPerfect Musical Instrument.

And I would like to thank my cousin Say Madera and my younger sister Lyn Marimla. They were the ones who requested me to blog. Actually, they're using some of the lines here in my blog as their statuses on FB. How sweet is that? NEVER.. Haha

***

Asar.. Wala pakong column. Patawad nman. T.T

Family Fued

My heart beat so fast and in the end, I was astounded and left speechless..

I was coming from yet again, an awful morning when my Aunt, the eldest sibling of my mom paid a visit, out of the blue. I wasn't expecting any of her kind in a gloomy noon of today. I was struck when I saw her, didn't know what to do, so I blessed. I figured the moment she stepped into the house, her visiting only meant one thing, we need to talk things out about my ever dysfunctional family and how this dysfunctionality, if there's such word, brought us nowhere.

To make the long story short, nothing was fixed and all she had in mind was to clarify, from our point of view, what could have sent my mom into their dwelling, which I think she was able to achieve.

I admire the coming of my aunt. She is one of my aunts that I don't usually speak to in several occasions or gatherings though I see her roaming around talking to others. When she spoke a while ago, I saw the sincerity and truthfulness on her face and with the way she speaks to my lolo and me. I just hope she's not faking it because if she did, I'd be completely disgusted. In fairness to her, I believed her. I wasn't able to thank her when she's about to leave. I want to thank her for taking time to help our family patch things up. But only my parents have the final say regarding this matter.

I've been dealing with a broken family quite well. I don't feel that we're rather broken. I often even forget that we are such. But I want my whole family back, though I think only God knows what should be proper for me and my family, especially for my younger siblings. How I wish I can turn back time and fix whatever there is that needs fixing. But I won't risk it. I would just have to deal with the present and learn from my past. Besides, I am what I am right now because of my history.

***

Just a thought: If people have nothing better to say, why don't they just shut their fu****' mouth.

Starbucks Deluxe

All the drama for this day has been erased, thanks to Starbucks' Chocolate Cream Chip! :))

Ang saya lang.. I even described the feeling, not even starting with the taste, like reaching heaven, though I haven't been anywhere near it. Parang nawala lahat ng dinadala kong problema from my bad situations at home to the articles I needed to edit and WILL edit. Laging late kasi magpass ang mga anak ko sa news team. Pero kahit ganun, I still believe in them and whatever they have to offer to the table. Hindi naman ako selfish na tao. I still understand them. I just hope they understand me too..

Anyway, great things are always free: but only free in the expense of others.

***

I had fun this evening. I just went out to edit some articles with the other editorial board. I didn't have any idea that we'll grab some frappe at Starbucks after. Well, good thing we did. It was one of the heart-warming nights of my life so far. I sipped from Perissa's Coffee Jelly and Ate Trish's Caramel Frappe cream-based. They were good but not as delicious as mine. O yeah, I am biased. :)) I wasn't able to taste Ate Mits' Creme Brulee Macchiato (sorry if I misspelled this one) and Kuya Rob's IDK (no idea what he ordered). We simply enjoyed the company of each other and had fun. Sayang  hindi kami kumpleto.. Ate Chewy wasn't there. Ate Vyn has a lakad daw according to Kuya Rob. I don't know kung saang lupalop na ng Earth si Faime. But I hope we'll be given a chance to be complete someday. Kasama pa ang aming mga anak..

Nga pala, ATSPAR is in November. Magprepare na tayo Pio. Let's start with our Broadsheet. Dapat matapos na natin para may mas malaki tayong chance na manalo sa ibang competition categories. I hope we win this time. I hope we take home more recognition for the school. I'm just so happy to be working with you guys. Gumagaan ang buhay-writer ku dahil sa inyo. Teka, pinagpiyestahan na yata ako ng mga lamok sa amin. Kawawang balat ko puro scratch marks, kung may ganon man. Haha See you when I see you. Enrolment na next week. Good luck sa mga gumagawa pa ng requirements. Kaya yan! :))

Disappointed and Frustrated

I just saw my grades on the schoolbliz and I got shocked by World Literature. Eighty-seven (87) is what was indicated in the system. I was expecting something a lot higher. Perhaps I bombed the finals exam. I'm really frustrated now. Have you had the feeling that you're trying too hard to gain something you haven't gained in the past but seems nothing still is working out? I am really disappointed with myself. One of my goals, and also my goal for my aunt who works in Dubai, which is also her dream for me, and both our dreams, is for me to graduate with a Latin recognition. Personally, I'm aiming for Magna Cum Laude but with what I'm seeing now, well, I don't see anything at all. The path towards there is blurry and a pain in my eyes. I wrote on FB, "world lit, mangapangayna ka.." And sure it was. The hopes of getting an average of 93 and above starting this semester has faded like how a rude, punk kid bursts a bubble in a smash.

Alright, it was a smash in the face. I was left immobile. Hindi ko talaga alam ang gagawin ko. Basta initial reaction was to blog. I need to open up. Someone has to hear my sentiments or at least something has to absorb my pain.. :((

***

I'm actually listening to Taylor Swift's "Mine." I'm losing the best thing that has ever been mine. I knew had it in the bag but times are often unpredictable and selfish. Well, maybe, since I wasn't able to have it, it wasn't for me at all to begin with. It's too early to say but I'm starting to get tired of expecting and hoping. Or maybe I'm just over-thinking and just very impulsive of taking in this negative feeling. I've watched "The Secret' the other day and found it interesting. I want to be that positive but sometimes, when it's the last thing you resort to in times of trouble, I get more restless and troubled. I'm the kind of person who usually acts until the pain goes away. Also, the type when there is pain, just accepts until it fades. But it takes me a while before I get back to normal. My classmates see me "stoic" and a person without emotions. Everything is okay. Nothing to worry about. But deep inside, I really get depressed easily. Siguro ganun talaga kapag mababaw ang kaligayan mo, mababaw din ang luha mo. Extremes, ika nga nila..

***

Shattered Dreams. So many of them. I'm emotionally and mentally exhausted. I'm not suicidal but IDK. I am hurt.

The Making Of A Memoir Starts Today

While I was reading my teacher's blog, which I was already reading since last Tuesday while I was at Fersal Hotel in Manila for the 12th Inkblots Fellowship-Seminar, a hotel stone's throw away from UST, the host of the 3-day event, it was only now when I got home that I was able to come across with this line, and I quote, "...when I die, all my family can do is to visit my blog and they would remember how I was when I was still on Earth. Nakakalungkot."

After I read this one, just in time I was logged in too on FB, I immediately changed my status and wrote, "magbablog na tlga ako. haha start the memoirs! :))‌" Nainspire talaga akong magsulat ulet sa isang blog. Actually, I already have a blog prior this one. Pero since I'm a procrastinator, I wasn't able to maintain it and eventually it died by natural death. Perhaps, the line made me realized that life is too short. That I won't be able to speak to all the people I know and listen to the people who want to be heard, and I want to hear them speak their minds and hearts out, and via the Cold Express, I can take my readers, if they want to, a 'chug' with me down to memory lane, or acquaintance alley, at least.

Madami talaga akong gustong gawin sa buhay ko. But most of the time, I don't know how will I ever reach them. I have dreams for myself and especially for my dysfunctional family. Ewan ku ba! Siguro kung ibang tao ang nasa kinalalagyan ko, nawalan na sila ng nakatinuan. There were times when I was really physically, emotionally, and mentally tired at hindi ko talaga maisip kung anung tamang gawin sa mga bagay-bagay tapus gumugulo pa ang napakabuti kong pamilya. Pero bakit ganun? Family, they're your strength, as much as your weakness. Wala din akong nagawa. Minsan kahit gusto mo silang lubayan, babalik at babalik kadin sa kanila. "I take one step away, and I find myself coming back to you, my one and only, one and only you." -- by PNE And that "you" is your family. You only got one. Might as well make the most out of it, which  for me, is also one way of making the most out of our lives. Itinutulog ku nalang nga ang mga ganitong usapan madalas. But getting myself to sleep was even a harder task. Asar nga eh.. Insomnia. Bali ito ang main but not the only reason why I went back to blogging. Anyway, when we really understand what we are reading, we get inspired and motivated by writers,  what they're willing to share to the world. We tend to be part of them by just reading their compositions. In one seminar I've attended, one of the speakers, whose name I forgot, said, making your articles or any of your writings known to the public such as poems or short story means that these already are not of your possessions but of you and more to the public. I thought it made sense.


I admire the TLC (Talent-Love-Courage) they put into their work. I am firm ever since that writing in any form to express is as admirable, or even more, as expressing oneself through songs and dances, or the other celebrated arts.