JEALOUS

I honestly miss speaking on the radio. It's not because of the people, neither the console, nor the long and varied playlist, but, most importantly, it's because of the unique experience it gives me after each and every time I go on-air. There's really something special with the radio that pulls me back into it. Though it's true that I am better off as a writer than a speaker. Well, that's how I see things. I still love being the speaker of a group every once in  a while, especially at radio programs.

Commercial: SOM Freshman Dayrit and others tweeted that class is moved on the 13th. IT IS TRUE. I was at the meeting when OSAFA Director announced the rescheduling. However, the official announcement of the suspension is yet to be received tomorrow from the AUF official communication.

Look, I am currently working for a budding local magazine. And honestly, it was a dream come true! I knew it was. It just got to be! Please, Lord? Well, I was just appointed as the Head Writer and Researcher of the magazine, my bosses knowing that I am an undergrad. How sick, right? I am still positively overwhelmed though. It was crazy good! But sadly, until this moment I'm still looking for my feet on the company. Am I moving forward or am I stagnating myself with so much workload. Yes! I'm holding so much tasks more than what I can handle. I knew this wouldn't be an easy task. But it was a lot harder than I thought when I'm at the office. Also, I think I've done so much already but still haven't proven any single thing to my heads. I'm getting tired too, I just don't wanna quit. Hopefully, nothing, or no one, makes me leave the job with regrets. And because of these recent events, I think I need a break from all the writing, and that's perhaps how badly I missed speaking. But anyhow, I'm still proud of how far we've gone as a team in the magazine! I really am. Anyway, enough on this! ENOUGH..

Inexplicably Burnt Out

Woke up just fine until now. T.T

I had sisig and garlicky sinangag for brunch while watching the replay of American Idol Top 9 Performance on Star Movies. Drank a sweet soda to remove the sting of onions in my mouth. All of a sudden, I felt stress build up. I know it's not from the food I ate. Of course, it wasn't. It's weird because this exhausting semester just ended. Technically, I have no more classes to attend to. Meaning, nothing more stressful to my system. However, I realized that school has lead me to somewhere I never thought I could even trespass. The moment I reached these places, I never left, psychologically. God knows how burdened I am by the things I'm not quite sure will happen in the near future. I am only small. Clearly, I can feel the remnants of stress.

"Walang maliit na bagay na di nakakapuwing."

Did I spoil myself with big opportunities? Who can blame me, though? Can you? Breaks come very seldom, so seldom that all of us can hardly notice them. But these, they met me into my face. Will I go blind and slowly stray away? Was I pressured? Is it my self-confidence? Is it their trust? Is it God's time? OR... ..Am I just destined for things like these like how others are destined with other stuff?

I came to a thinking that I was overexposed. I did not allow myself say "NO" to things I should have. Perhaps I had so much confidence in me and my abilities during those times, thinking I can catch whatever hurled into my face, big or small-sized. But now, I can feel the pressure, the tension--BIG TIME.

I always had this belief that ang mas nahihirapan, siya ang mas natututo. Still, I just thought now, maybe I had too much of it. Have I grown tired? I guess not. Am I just over-thinking things? Possible. Maybe I loved myself less today than yesteryears... T.T I don't want to think anymore. I'll leave this post this way. The rest is up to me and you.

Detached

Here I am working on another post. I missed this. BLURT OUT.

I was in Manila yesterday. I submitted my RPN waiver and school recommendation so I can start my OJT on Monday next week. Thank God it was granted. We had lunch way past 1:00p.m. at KFC since it's the nearest chain, though it's still a ride from the station. Transportation fee is a sucker, a leech for that matter. Though we had so little money left in our pockets, we still chose to had the bumpy trike ride because each step we make is a sore to our very soles. T.T We were extremely tired. Perhaps in a day when we had nothing more to do but the internship, we'd walk at every alley or avenue there.

Then there was the apartment.

Her old beauty and charm won us over. Our rent fee is P8, 000.00 including electricity and water. No more, no less. We cleared this to our landlady before "Tintina" paid the down payment. The room is very spacious and has its own restroom. It can accommodate 10 spacers. We're only three occupants as of now. Honestly, I thought it was too much for me and we better look for 1 more to help us out. However, thinking of the convenience I'll get in return, I supposed it's worth the pay. I'm sure, too, my family wouldn't want to see me living looking deprived. Besides, it's just for a month. The last line of this paragraph blew all my arguments! It doesn't matter, anyway. It is still a fact.

Another FACT:

I kept the TV OJT-in-Manila dream breathing because of my friends, besides the exposure I'll be given, of course. I want to experience every aspect of Manila with them. Yeah, even the unpleasant ones, which I hope not, though it's not impossible, you see. But I am confident that my friends and I will just laugh them off while grabbing tipid-dinners, while walking home, before we go to sleep, at least every time we can ease each other from the pain of Manila and random homesickness. Friends, our laughter keeps me sane. But I don't want to be attached.

Genuinely, the THREE of us would love to have you. However, the more painful part of you not joining us in this adventure is, the blunt of me, the tweets. Remember, I told you to reconsider things. I can't see anything from you. Absolutely nothing but words, no action. I pray you're just waiting. Please, say YOU ARE. This is your only defense to me. Other than this, I'd be hurt. T.T

We've also extended so much help already to make things easier for you. No one heed our call. But anyway, it's your call too--either to answer or not, or but more painfully, just keep it ringing until our connection breaks. It's true that we cannot blame you. A dream is a dream, just following what your hearts are saying. I respect every decision made by everyone. From this respect enters truth and appreciation, thus I shall move on. WE shall move on... ...without you.

Well good friends of mine, our journey isn't over yet. I'm hoping, though, we find each other at the end--at the winning end, preferably.

We just took our detour and you just took yours--or did you? Maybe soon.

But anyway, internship starts on April 11. I am already excited and empowered. After all the money-spending and long travels, here we are in a destination where others haven't been yet or will ever be in their entire lifetime. Very proud of what we have gotten so far. Meanwhile, I just thought now, Makati is sweet and grand. I am the very first student from my batch to enter KBP. It means a lot to me and speaks a lot of me as a comm. student. First comm. student from your class at the Kapisanan ng mga Brodkaster ng Pilipinas, eh? How cooler can this become? :))

Well, we're three when we went to KBP. However, only one person, who happened to be me, is allowed to go to the 6th floor and talk to the KPB personnel. So technically, I am the first one. Haha But I wouldn't be where I was that time without the help of Mang Inasal, taxi drivers, and most importantly, Google. We didn't know the address of KBP, but with my friend's fast-thinking abilities and actions, we got it. In Makati, just a piece of advice, it's better to have the address than to know the name of the institution. Tried and Tested.

Prepare a lot of money, too. Always ask. Don't settle for what you know and feel, is. It wouldn't hurt so much to ask. If it were, bugbug-sarado na kami ngayon! :))

Photos: Chan's Graduation

People could be so, so bad sometimes

It's true that people will never run out of mean words to say. But what makes it worse is that they base the bad things they say from mere observations, hearsays and gut feelings. I am really sad for these people. I thought they were better than this. They just dug their own pitfalls. Too bad.. Well, people could be so, so bad sometimes. I don't know what hit them! Perhaps a ball of too much self-esteem, or maybe a rock of immaturity! OR, they just had a rough week in their classes. Haha! Anyway, God, please help them. Have mercy on them. Guide them to the truth.. ..that they are not telling the truth because they haven't exerted any effort to find such truth. Please make them realize this. Amen.

Meet the Natives

I have never been so stressed so far in my life like today. When I say "so stressed," I mean the worst possible kind of feeling of stress, plus the imminent psychological and physiological disturbances that you don't want to experience. And had the awarding ceremony extended even just for a single minute or two, I will pass out. Good thing I had my stress ball with me which quite helped, but only to a very minimal extent: which only means that my stress hormones earlier were on their highest levels that I barely wasn't able to contain.

To calm the nerves, I went out, at least five times, from that pathetic venue to grab some decent drink. Besides, I already looked really pale, and I felt the paleness. I didn't know what to do. What I did was I just walked in and out the place to normalize my senses, but it didn't work either. SHAME. The agony of waiting for things you expected to come but did not, even just for a peek, really got the best of me.

Anyway, I felt more disappointment than joy over the results. Though I was able to get a silver medal in Sports Writing English, which isn't my forte to begin with, it must be beginner's luck, I felt that my entries in News Writing and, Copyreading and Headline Writing, both in the English division, were very competent. One of the two speakers in News Writing, who's from ABS-CBN, even gave me his calling card. I thought I impressed  him with what I shared during our lecture. Still, I was destroyed at the end. Perhaps it's my fault too of reassuring a win only because he gave me his contact number. How assuming of me.. :((

Meanwhile, in my Copyreading and Headline Writing Category, when the speaker gave the common copy to be edited, I have read some places in Bataan that were unfamiliar to me. If ever they were deliberately presented as wrong or inaccurate information, I never would have known or either guessed, right? And Mariveles "town"? I also didn't know which are the "towns" and which are the "cities" in Bataan. I am not from Bataan, please.. I found this very unfair.

But all is well.. Who am I to question? For now, I am not somebody.

I suggest that the judges per event announce the winners during the awarding next time. I have a gut feeling that the real winners are being replaced. IDK. It just popped out from my mind.. I may be wrong in saying this. But the other half of "the unverified" says, I may be right..

And, I also suggest that the organizers publish the winning pieces so we can actually see proofs of "their" right to win, especially for categories like mine. They are written and only the judges, if it's real that they're exclusive to them, can read, score and "declare" them as winning pieces. By publishing these, we can actually see if the winning articles are deserving than ours. Not like in photojournalism and editorial cartoon, and other events involving visuals, participants of these can see how they place in the competition just by looking the work of their contenders, since artworks are done in illustration boards which everyone can see and judge as well.

As far as I can remember, we went to this regional congress to learn. But if we cannot get feedbacks from our speaker-judges, what is there to look forward to? Manipulated results? WTF. Anu pu ba talaga ang tama? Pano ako matututo, hindi mo naman sinabi. Hindi pu tayo guessing game dito. Every time I think of us, I mean most of the participants, being cheated, though I may be wrong as I've said earlier, I feel disgusted and nauseated. These people are such hypocrites if that's the case.. from the academe pamo. But I'm not saying that all the ten years of this particular organization were schemes: nothing but pure lies and deceptions. I'm talking about my first year as a participant. Because I heard from an adviser, during our free time, that this year's brand of leadership wasn't any better compared with the previous years.

One more, I was happy that we were able to get the 3rd Best News Page. But what made me lose my temper yet again, because I saw the broadsheet issue of the first placer before the awarding, is the thought that they are the first placer. Because in my brutal opinion, "parang hindi naman tama na sila ang first-placer." It's a "PR paper," actually. Hainaku.. I feel very sad. If journalists' first obligation is to tell the truth, why is it being suppressed? I am speechless. Bahala kayo sa buhay nio. Grabiiii kayo. Haha

You know what, I actually waited for this press conference. But with what I experienced, I don't want to attend anymore. T.T Some delegates also tell me so.. I am not alone.

Long Distance

"This long distance is killing me.."

So many loved ones have been away from me for quite a long time now. In times when I see their faces, but only in my mind, and sometimes on FB, I miss them more each time, especially when I am left alone at home, hopelessly waiting for my sleep, at one night, never came at all, not even a glance. :((

Hindi lang buwan, kungdi taon na ang nakalipas at halos lahat silang mahal ko sa buhay, ni hindi ku man nasilayan.. The feeling is very different once you finally see them, compared to the one you feel when you just finished your random phone conversations.

These past few weeks, I've experienced the feeling that I needed to wait for my body to get exhausted first to get its sleep: likened myself to an ordinary vehicle, I needed to lose all my fuel before I can go to sleep. This kind of feeling pisses me off, that it pisses me too much, I can break down into tears at that very moment of mixed helplessness, hopelessness, desperation, frustration, some guilt and misfortune. Feeling ko talaga, "Why on earth?!" Tipong naiiyak nako na walang magawa but to say, "please, go to sleep. T.T" Magbuwisit naku talaga kanita.. :)) ..at lalu ku lapang amis ri mama ku, e lola Paz ku, reng anti ku, basta ing pamilya ku. Ngeni kasi meju rough ing family life ku kaya aside from God, my only solid source of strength is myself.

But my life has to go on however shaky it may be.. I'm sure it leads somewhere far better than where I am now. Bahala na.. But I hope my personal life and family life get better as each days passes by, with the love and guidance of the Lord and my friends. Anyway, I still have my Public Relations class tomorrow so I better start waiting for my sleep now. T.T

Thank you for reading.

PS: You might want to hear and see the actual music video, just click the link below.

"..Can you hear me crying? It's so hard.. ..I wish you were here with me."

                                      -- Long Distance, Brandy (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YDp1dpuwCkY)